illustrations by Mark Domann
“I imagine you sitting still in the face of a fire-breathing dragon. Hair rustled back with the force of all the air. Knowing you are perfect. You are safe. You have a deep knowing that is accurate. It is not a dragon.” – Michelle Gerenscer, MS, oncological nutritionist at Nutritional Solutions
It was terrifying to get an ovarian cancer diagnosis at 51, in February of 2020. I’ve been low and scared many times since. Not always, but many times. Before I was a cancer patient myself, I used to think of cancer as one of the biggest bullies of all. Rogue, mutant cells attacking unfortunate bodies from within. Cancer was THE enemy to beat…to kill. A war, with us on one side and cancer on the other, a fire-breathing dragon that required our biggest guns.
- I was grateful that “cancer didn’t run in my family”… until it did.
- I was relieved to have escaped the fight I saw too many people waging…until I didn’t.
- I was glad I had so many tools for taking good care of a human body…until all that wasn’t enough for mine.
I have over a year of dealing with ovarian cancer under my belt now, and I see things differently.
Cancer is a cry for help.
Our bodies are beautifully designed to live healthy, productive lives. It’s incredible really. When our daughter was born, my father-in-law marveled, “built to last 100 years! Isn’t that amazing?!” Yes, it is. None of us knows exactly how long we’ll get here on earth, but we don’t expect to be stopped short by disease at the scope and level we currently see. Who out there doesn’t have experience with cancer now – personally, in your family, or in your community? Our bodies are indeed assaulted by bullies, but I see them more clearly now:
- Toxic chemicals are bullies. Our bodies were never meant to process what we do now. Those of us who are more susceptible to toxins than others are not mutants. In fact, perhaps we are less epigenetically evolved/mutated than others whose bodies have adapted to safely process and remove pesticides, herbicides, industrial chemicals, endocrine disruptors, etc. Some of us (perhaps canaries-in-the-coal-mine) get overwhelmed by these toxins and our immune system gets distracted, so we are unwittingly susceptible to more damage from what we take in (food, water, air, environment). As Nasha Winters, N.D. and Jess Kelly write in Metabolic Approach to Cancer, “Cancer is a disease of genes mismatched with modern lifestyle.” With chemical toxicity already challenging our bodies…
- Pathogens are bullies. There are good and bad guys in the microbial world, as far as our body is concerned. Many of the parasitic actors (toxic molds, yeast, and pathogenic bacteria) are abundant in our food and homes because of unnatural practices, that put expediency and profit ahead of health. Sustainability and green, clean buildings are not just good for the planet but crucial for our health and survival. Kids feel this truth in their bodies, so we see them getting active. Thank goodness, because being thrown into the disease management of western medicine can be brutal…
- Western medicine has many wonderful people, but many of the usual tools are bullies. At the first cries for help, what we are offered too often shuts our body up and our intuition down. Creams. Pills. Procedures. They take away the pain or the itch, but the fundamental struggle remains…to not just eat well but to live an actively detoxifying For those of us who grew up in the 20th century, this news has seeped into our consciousness in the background of going to school, working, and raising families. We did the best we could with what we knew, in our spare time. Our kids know better. They are also more in tune with emotional wellbeing and boundaries, which is great because…
- Bullies are bullies. Whether they are triggering you in the media, your workplace/school, or even your family, toxic relationships have very real impacts on our immune system. What we take in is not just food, water, and air, but also emotional energy. Our kids know that trauma that is not transformed is transmitted. They might understand why people act with zero empathy, but they will hold boundaries. They won’t put up with a lot of what we did. And that’s great because their immune systems will not be on high alert with the potential to dysregulate and let cancer cells grow. And, yes, sometimes the bullies are even oncologists…like the renowned “expert” who offered her opinion without studying my case or bothering to listen to us. No collaboration? No thank you. Our bodies are the real experts, and they must be included in the conversation. I’m lucky she was a bit player in my journey but shudder to think of her actual patients. It’s hard to learn a better way when we are years into doing things a certain way, even if that way isn’t working. Here is something I learned the hard way…
- Chemo is a bully. When our bodies cry for help in such a profound way as cancer, the predominant answer is still more toxic chemicals. Chemo is one of the biggest bullies of all, coming at us when we’re at our most vulnerable. It literally kills. Yes, it kills fast-growing cells. There is utility in that to some extent. My lab at MIT studied the mechanism of the chemo drug cisplatin 27 years ago, and I can’t help but wonder why, after all those years, chemo is still the best answer for fast-growing cancers. Chemo is a big bully. Having been on a healing journey for some years, I have lots of standard and functional test results before and after chemo. It took courage to redo the tests and assess the damage, but I’m glad I did. Knowledge is power and key to preventing recurrence. Chemotherapy has serious systemic consequences that have to be more openly considered along with its impact on the cancer cells. Chemo harms our immune systems and gut microbiome, giving toxins and pathogens the upper hand for a period of time. Time heals, but proactive, strategic, bio-individualized healing interventions can heal our bodies and prevent a recurrence, faster and more completely. “Gold standard of care” is not, really. Let’s be honest; we all know it’s cut, poison, and burn. Patients and innovative healers are pushing cancer care in more holistic directions. Someday, healing information will be standard, and care will be golden. For now, patients have to be resilient entrepreneurs, nonstop treasure hunters, and courageous scientists in throes of western medicine, not least because…
- Cancer markers can be bullies. Many of them are poorly understood and not well correlated with the state of cancer development. Not just ovarian cancer’s CA125 which is notorious for false positives, but others too. Cancer patients are routinely terrorized by the numbers yet flummoxed by the fact that their markers do not relate to scans, how they feel, and progress on other dimensions. As one long-time ovarian cancer survivor put it: “That marker?! Oh, honey, I threw that out with the trash!” I’m not saying markers aren’t useful, but that they aren’t everything. Even more, I’m saying we need to do a much better job of understanding what they really mean…and so, how to heal. I’m working on that and will share what I learn.
Seeing the bullies clearly gives us a chance to address them, personally and communally. Do I regret taking chemo last year? Sadly, no. With my type of cancer in 2020, I didn’t have a choice at the beginning of treatment. Believe me, I tried mightily to get out of it! Am I sorry we don’t have better choices, after decades of a “war on cancer,” billions and billions of dollars, countless hours in labs, human and animal trials, and so many profitable drugs? Hell, yeah. Follow the money and you’ll find the deliberate winners of this war on cancer; It’s not the patients or their families. Our focus on genetics has been part of the problem. Proteomics is part of the answer. But it’s bigger than that.
“A patient is unlikely to die from cancer, but from toxins accumulated in the body.”
– Dr. Max Gerson
Cancer is a Cry for Help, Not Just in My Body
Fifty years of creating the next patented chemo drug haven’t gotten us very far. Real answers require listening to our bodies. Some people are doing just that. Curious, humble, and empathetic oncologists, tired of seeing patients suffer. Collaborative functional doctors who use meaningful tests to help us heal from the assaults of oncology and the upstream dynamics that led to cancer in the first place. All-in nutritionists who address body and soul, with tenderness, experience, and curiosity. Naturopaths and others who stop at nothing to heal themselves, developing and sharing new, effective solutions for previously intractable problems like mold toxicity and advanced cancers.
Most of the answers have been developed in a silo. The complexity of cancer really requires interdisciplinary answers. Adding up the pieces can be daunting. Then our bodies tell us when there are holes. We face down the fear, and more answers come. Through friends who channel, showing up at just the right time with what you need to know, even if it’s just that you are not alone. Spouses who research, leaving no stone unturned…even when you don’t always want to see what’s underneath. Prayers answered with revealing dreams that leave you waking with a sense of knowing and peace. Our body and soul lead us in a healing direction if we can be quiet and plug into the divinity inside. That’s how we’re designed. That’s what we can do. One of the biggest gifts of this year for me has been learning to listen deeply. There’s a flow that’s beautiful.
“Cancer has stripped me down and rebuilt me, better, stronger, more authentic.”
– Carrie Kelley Kielty, Ovarian Cancer Survivor
Cancer is a Cry for Help, a Wake-Up Call
There is a blessing in not resting with what is, when what is isn’t working. We all know too many sad stories; too many of us have lived them. We offer whatever support we can, with our hearts breaking as we watch friends and loved ones struggle with cancer diagnoses and treatments. Learning that yet another loved one/friend/colleague/child has cancer is devastating and exhausting. It’s no longer my story that I was lucky enough to avoid cancer. But the truth is we are ALL unlucky to deal with the above bullies; they take their toll in a variety of ways. I’m taking aim there. That’s a fair fight. One we can collectively win.
A cancer diagnosis is awful. The fight is intense and doesn’t always end up the way we would like. But cancer itself does not seem like the biggest bully of all to me anymore. Cancer is not the fire-breathing dragon I thought it was. Cancer is a cry for help. If we are still for a moment and shut out the noise, we hear it.
Many thanks to integrative nutritionist Michelle Gerenscer for her steadfast, empathetic partnership, including the wonderfully clear and encouraging vision in the opening quote. Much gratitude to fellow yogi Mark Domann for bringing that vision to life in illustrations. Cancer entrepreneurship can be lonely at times, so thank goodness for tireless warriors and friends like Carrie Kelley Kielty. Last, but not least, I appreciate John LeMay’s edits to this post and ceaseless partnership in all things.
Thanks Jacki for your wisdom, openness and willingness to share. I think if you often and wish you health and happiness.
Thank you, Carol! I hope you and yours are well.
Jackie, thank you for your brave and insightful post. What an ordeal you have been through. Having seen several family members battered by chemotherapy over the years, I have at times thought that 100 or 200 years from now might look back at our reliance on this approach in the same way that we look back with disbelief at how “bloodletting” used to be such a recommended “cure” But I have never really put 2 and 2 together about all of this until reading your piece.
I agree 100%, Daniel! Sorry your family has suffered, and you, witnessing them. I’ve thought many times about a post titled something like: “Bloodletting, Leaches, Chemo…and other things that should be obsolete!” Friends who have done radiation will say similar things…and the surgeries are no picnic either! It’s truly ridiculous, especially considering that so much cancer could be avoided in a non-toxic world…but that would hit GDP in all sorts of ways. Chemical cos, pharmacos, the way research programs are organized, the cancer industrial complex including chemo infusion centers that are so busy – business is booming!)…so much of the inertia is driven by unconscious capitalism. And we are paying the price with our bodies. From this vantage point, I see it all more clearly than ever.
I was once told by a cancer specialist that in this day and age, we don’t don’t always die from cancer, but we learn to live with cancer! I see more of that every day. Thanks for sharing your journey. You are a strong woman. Always in my prayers!
Yes, I’ve heard the same thing. It comforts me some, but I’m even more hopeful that I (and others) can heal the terrain and ultimately be healthier than before the diagnosis. That outcome feels both logical and possible; I’m working for it! Cancer is growing and dying in all of us; our healthy immune systems take care of it so it never turns to disease. Thank you so much for the prayers. Being in the flow of prayer has been an amazing experience…one of the gits.
Jackie, your wisdom to write on this subject is so accurate.
I watched Ray suffer so much from the rounds of chemo that we all prayed would cure him.
The problem was that it was the only choice given to us and him. The will to live is so strong in all of us.
We all hoped the clinical trial would give him more time but the toll it takes on the body was so sad to watch.
My dear Jackie, take the path that is best for you.
My thoughts and prayers are with you always.
Love you,
Par
Pat – Oh, how I wish Uncle Ray and you didn’t suffer so much. John and I have just a taste of what you both went through. That you came out the other side with such empathy and humanity is amazing. I keep researching, learning, and writing in hopes that we might change that situation for others. I feel well these days and am confident about the healing path. Your tireless encouragement in all forms has energized me many, many times. Much love to you!
Brilliant and beautiful as always!
Thank you, Steve. When I write something that resonates with you, I know I’m on a good track!
Thank you for sharing your God-given gifts. Your courage, compassion and non-compromising style to get to (uncover?) the source benefit many. Grateful for that education.
Dear Joni – thank you for reading and your wonderful comments. I’d rather not go through any of this (!) but if what I learn helps anybody else, it makes meaning from a difficult journey. xo
Thank you, Jackie. Your candor, empathy and insight are a gift to all of us. I’ve read this twice, it’s brilliant. You won’t be bullied, that I know. With you.
Thank you, Shyam! Yes, once we see the bullies clearly, we know what to do. I so appreciate that you are with me. I’m with you too…whatever life brings.
You inspire me.
Well, the feeling is certainly mutual! Sorry our girl was quarantined during your visit to the Hill. We got to see her Monday, and Grant took his tour 🙂 As I type, I believe she will soon or has just performed a solo in her acapella group. What a gift and source of joy her foundation of music has been, in no small part thanks to you!!!! Let’s walk when schedules allow. I want to hear about all the amazing things you’ve been up to.
Jackie-
Your words, wisdom and life experience continues to humble me. I believe each day is more special than ever when we take time and realize what creatures we truly are! And yes, “made to live 100 years!”
I believe your comments about the “bullies” that knock at our door are so real – but we can indeed learn to look them in the eye; acknowledge them and move forward. Thanks again for what you share. You make the world a better place! Love and prayers each and every day!
Thank you, Father Brian. Your encouragement and support of our family and me personally have meant so much, for so many years. Bravery is possible when we know we’re not alone, and I’m not. Your company and prayers are such a comfort and source of strength. Much love!
Jackie,
You are an Amazing woman and a Tower of strength to us all. You are such an inspiration to everyone you touch, You are in my daily prayers. Love you
Thank you, Margaret. I’m strengthened by the love of our family, especially you! Love you too
Thank you Jackie! I am so grateful my mom was able to look at the ravages of chemo ahead and decide that she would go in a different direction. It meant she would die, but she would die one day anyway. It meant that she would live well and with dignity and strength right up until she died. So often, we follow the direction of professionals whose objective is to keep alive without getting into discussions about “at what cost,” “what is important to do with your one beautiful life?” Love you. So grateful you are sharing your insights with us from your journey. Great food for thought and inspiration.
Thanks, Elizabeth! “What is important to do with your one beautiful life?” Yes, that’s the question, my dear friend. If I had been older and our kids were grown, I might have made a different choice myself regarding chemo. As it was, I’m grateful there are enough tools and knowledge to protect healthy tissue in the midst of the onslaught. I’m also grateful for the answers that keep flowing vis a vis recovering fully and preventing recurrence. For whatever reason, this is something important I have to do with my one beautiful life. If I can learn something that helps other people, it helps make meaning out of the experience. Much love to you. Xoxoxo (side note, I made a version of your curried chicken and rice salad the other day and felt nurtured…thank you!)
Thank you for sharing your spiritual journey Jackie!
As sad as I was to hear of your diagnosis, I knew that you would find growth and reap a rich harvest of support from John, the kids, the rest of your family and your friends. Well you should after having planted so many seeds of empathy in your personal and professional life.
Remember that the family you have made in CPD blue has you in our prayers and positive thoughts as well.
Thank you for describing the truth of the modern malaise, whichever form it takes; that we are not so much sick as poisoned. This is true whether it be the food we eat, the air we breath, the water we drink or the constant bombardment of our electrically mediated bodies by an entire rainbow of man made electromagnetic radiation.
You have set a great example by embracing health over fear.
I look forward to Humanity’s following your example as we reject processed foods, municipal water and instant downloads in favor of slow living and health.
Best to you and yours!
Thanks, bro! Your poetic comments mean a lot to me.