Çamlıca Mosque, Istanbul
Why do bad things happen to good people? Forget about my cancer. What about kids? Babies? What did they do to deserve suffering? Better people than me have died from cancer, war, neglect, violence, and more. If we believe in a good G-d*/ Spirit/Yahweh/Adonai/Universal Presence (whatever name you prefer), should we be angry that she/he/they allow(s) bad things to happen? These are the kinds of questions that go through our minds when we suffer. Certainly, they have gone through mine.
Being in Istanbul, we hear Salat, the Muslim call to prayer, from nearby mosques five times a day, starting before sunrise. It’s a beautiful sound and reminds me, to stop. To reflect. To pray. Just listen (click on link below).
For what do I pray? That our kids are safe and healthy. That my husband is safe and healthy. That I heal from this cancer and have a chance to keep working, loving, and having fun in this world. It’s a comforting habit. Curtis Jackson, better known as 50 Cent, said, “You either worry or pray. Don’t do both.” Worry is an illusion of control, but a difficult habit to break. It helps that praying feels better.
I also pray for others who suffer, that they find peace and comfort. But I do not blame G-d for human suffering. I blame us. I am not angry at G-d. I’m not even angry with us anymore. I am frustrated. Why? We keep failing to see that the root of human suffering comes back time and again to our lack of empathy and love for each other and our planet. Yes, empathy – deep understanding and resonance – with the original, wonderful, beautiful, glorious design of this planet and universe.
So many of us have cancer now because our human bodies were not designed to process the crap we have put into the environment, our food, and our bodies for far too long. Our genes are worn-out. Cancer and so many other diseases are epidemic, but profitable, from start to finish. I say this as a #RecoveringChemist. I was so fascinated by the way the world is designed, I stuck through a 4 year Ph.D. program in chemistry at MIT. I loved teaching, but was lonely at the lab bench and decided I didn’t want to make chemicals when it was all done. I shifted gears and went into business. Along the way, I got an inside-out view of how and why we choose to do the research we do ($), make the products we do ($), and fail to clean up after ourselves ($).
One other thing was clear back then. Faith and science are not incompatible at all. The more I learned about the way the universe is designed, the more mystical and magical it all seemed. A common problem with science – and the reason people are distrustful nowadays – is arrogance. We didn’t make any of this world. We’re just scratching the surface of understanding it. We don’t control it either, but we pretend we do at our peril. We interfere, design, patent, isolate, synthesize, too often only with profit, power, and promotion in mind. Not the future. Not our health. Not our children. Therein lies the problem.
I don’t believe in a vengeful or uncaring G-d/Designer of the universe. How could she be? Look at the beautiful gifts all around us! Take a walk in the woods. Dip your feet in the ocean. Watch sunrise and sunset, right where you are. I take inspiration from science here. There is no such thing as dark, just the absence of light (photons). There is no such thing as cold, only the absence of heat (energy). I believe there is no such thing as evil, but there is the absence of empathy/love which leads to evil human behaviors and outcomes, usually things we do to each other directly or indirectly. It’s up to us to fix this.
So, then, what’s the role of G-d and prayer in healing? Will faith help reverse my cancer? Do your prayers help me? Definitely. Every note of encouragement, care, and prayer lifts my spirits. Incredibly, I’ve been the lucky recipient of virtual healing prayer with a small but dedicated team of earth angels every single week since I was diagnosed. I grew up Catholic, spent many happy years at St. Paul’s Episcopal Church, am a certified yoga teacher, and have enjoyed studying and practicing other religions with friends, especially Judaism. But these healing prayer nights have been some of the best, most profound spiritual experiences of my life.
I don’t expect an instantaneous miracle. I know my body is physically challenged, here in this earthly plane. I know it’s up to me to intervene, and high-grade serous ovarian carcinoma is on the more complicated and dangerous side of the health spectrum. What I seek – what this group gives me – is the time, space, and connection to a higher reality to discern what to do. What not to do. Who can help? Who cannot? They give me peace in the midst of confusion. They give me comfort in the wilderness of physical suffering. I feel the presence of human empathy and the company of something more divine. Sometimes, I have even felt joy, which is important momentum through the highs and lows of the bumpy and unknown road ahead.
When I am healed, I know this spiritual practice will have played an important part. I also know that every kindness, every word of encouragement, every angel-inspired action (putting lights up at our house!) our family has received is inspired by something bigger than ourselves. One of the few good things about experiencing cancer as a family is seeing G-d in so many people around us, over and over. It lifts us emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It’s powerful.
So, when people do heal from cancer, is it a miracle? Please don’t say that to the woman or man suffering through hours, sometimes years, of chemo, hyperthermia, special nutritional programs, etc. It’s hard work. We’d love to skip the suffering and go right to the miracle, but we are the physical embodiment of the divine on earth. We have to do our part. We have to do the right work. For me now, this means making good decisions about how to heal my body and having the discipline, endurance, and resilience to see them all through, renewed by some of the biggest, broadest experiences of love in my life.
But I’m just one person with one issue. Our manmade problems are so much bigger. Cancer should not be part of the human experience, yet it’s all too common. We need to wake up, be much better to each other, act today with the future in mind, be much more responsible stewards of our environment and planet (no, we can’t just colonize Mars), and leave this world a better place for our kids. Together, we can do this. It’s not too late. #CurrencyOfEmpathy
‘Tis the season.
Let there be light.
Thanks to everyone who has offered encouragement, prayers, empathy and so many angel-inspired moments to help our family. Deep gratitude to the LeMay siblings (Elaine, Jim, and Jeff) and Carnella Peck for holding down the home front and keeping Grant and Rocky company while we’ve been gone. Last but certainly not least, heartfelt thanks to Akua Saunders, Reiki practitioner, and virtual healer, and our healing prayer group: Leslie Amadhi, Eleanor Hooks, Jane Reynolds, Rachel Robinson, and Elizabeth Welch, for being such wonderful spiritual company on this journey.
*I’ve written G-d out of respect for Jewish friends who use this custom out of reverence.
Jackie, thank you for sharing these thoughts. When Jacob was sick, it was easy to be mad at G-d for allowing him to suffer, along with my brother and sister-in-law and my niece. Not to mention his cousins and family on both sides, his grandparents, friends and the list goes on. It was far more difficult to find light in the darkness, because it was just so hard. Like you, ultimately, I did find light and I did see G-d working all around us and that may be the only thing that got me, personally, through what was (and still is) the most difficult days in my life.
I have loved reading your blog and learning about the practices in a different country. It all makes sense, stopping and pausing, being grateful and empathetic. I think your head must be spinning with ideas of how to eventually turn this knowledge into life work. I try to read this poem daily. After reading your blog, I am thinking that maybe I should be reading it 5 times per day. We are all holding your whole family in our hearts. ❤️
How the Light Comes
Jan Richardson
I cannot tell you
how the light comes.
What I know
is that it is more ancient
than imagining.
That it travels
across an astounding expanse
to reach us.
That it loves
searching out what is hidden,
what is lost,
what is forgotten
or in peril
or in pain.
That it has a fondness
for the body,
for finding its way
toward flesh,
for tracing the edges
of form,
for shining forth
through the eye,
the hand,
the heart.
I cannot tell you
how the light comes,
but that it does.
That it will.
That it works its way
into the deepest dark
that enfolds you,
though it may seem
long ages in coming
or arrive in a shape you did not foresee.
And so
may we this day
turn ourselves toward it.
May we lift our faces
to let it find us.
May we bend our bodies
to follow the arc it makes.
May we open
and open more
and open still
to the blessed light
that comes.
This is so beautiful.
Thank you 🙏
Jackie, I love your words. They raise all of our spirits in a troubled world. Do not be afraid or hesitant to say the word GOD and print the full three letters of his name. He is hope and light and promise to all of us -including you! Keep fighting, keep loving, and keep inspiring all of us with your strength and courage and empathy! I look forward to meeting you in Cleveland. Cheers to you!
Thank you, Ray. I wrote G-d out of respect for my Jewish friends, not fear. Just wanted to include as many people as possible. Enjoy this season of light!
Jackie…your words are full of “light” and I am inspired by them! Thank you for sharing your journey of pain, courage and hope. You have the gift of expressing from your heart a message that is not only divinely inspired, but scientifically inspired. Thank you.
Sending you “hugs” with prayers for the next chapter in your courageous story.
Love you, Jo. You have always been a spiritual inspiration to me. Big hugs and Merry Christmas!
Finding light after the loss of Jacob is a heroic effort, and I am holding your family in my heart especially now. That poem is utterly beautiful. It choked me up. Thank you for sharing. Big hugs🙏❤️
Jackie, I join you in daily prayer for your family and especially for you. Know that the love and light you share in these posts is making a huge impact in the lives of those who love you. Here’s to more light!
Thank you! 🙏❤️
Jackie, Thank you again for this post. Your words are beautiful and profound. With my whole heart, you have my love , my wish, prayer, and hope, Most of all, I believe you’re healing. Rique
I do too 😘🙏❤️
You take m y breathe away with your insight and your faith . My prayers for you continue and I hope to see you in the new year, with hair and a body that no longer has to fight cancer. It will be gone!
🙏🙏🙏🙏😘😘😘😘
Jackie! No one ever worthy of the title “theologian“ could have said it better and with more clarity than you did. You nailed it!! On the topic of “why do Unfortunate things happen to good people?” You could not have said it any better.
Did you mention that Sophie and Grant are coming over? :-)… Best Christmas gift ever for sure. Love to John and Christmas hugs to both of you
Yes, yes, yes! Best. Christmas. Present. Ever. Thanks for your perspective on faith, now and always. The next blog post will be titled….can you guess? “Love” with highlights from their visit. Big hugs and Merry Christmas to you, Father Brian!
Jackie,
Your words are truly inspiring and filled with faith, love, and deep reflection. During this challenging journey, I am in awe of your perspective, strength and grace. Please know we are praying for your good health and recovery. You have been an inspiration to me since I was a little girl and are even more so now. Sending you and your family huge hugs.
Wonderful to hear from you, Suzie. Love to your whole family ❤️
I once heard my dad say…. It’s a far more powerful God who can design the universe ….than a God who just waves a magic wand »…. To the point that faith and science go hand in hand. Love these reflections on the role of self determination and faith – you are nailing it. ❤️🎄❤️🙏🏻❤️
Wise words from your dad. Thanks for sharing, Courtney.
Jackie- Assalamu Alaikum, Shalom, and peace be with you! The scariest part of what you wrote is that we’ve done this destruction in less than 130 years. This earth is roughly 4.5B years old. We aren’t even a speck on the screen. It’s endured an ice age, dinosaurs, and BIBLICAL disasters. None of that compares to what humans have done. Furthermore, humans have inhabited the earth for roughly 2M years. We’ve endured plagues, wars, genocide, and more. Through it all, the most epic destruction has come in the last 120 years. If one were to take a trend graph and project the next 120 years, it’s scary. Really scary.
That’s the problem. What’s the solution? I am doing a few things. One, I pray as well. I pray very little for a “result.” I pray for my willingness to change and my willingness to be able to process whatever is happening. I feel it helps me center and slow down. It also helps me understand what is controllable and what is not. I say the serenity prayer often. The word prayer is rooted in the words “to beg.” If I am to beg, it’s to beg for understanding and empathy.
You are a light in this world. We need you and we all love you.
I couldn’t agree with you more, as usual, Brandt. My prayers and efforts are similar. You are also beloved. Big hug to your whole family
Sending you and us all encouragement, prayer, and empathy. Thanks for this new mantra. Hugs, mark
Namaste, dear friend! Xoxoxo
Jackie,
I am so glad to hear Sophie and Grant will be with you and John for Christmas. What a gift! You are a true example of bravery! Sending my love. I continue to fervently pray for you!
Much love to you,
Lisa
Thank you! Merry Christmas and lots of love to your family ❤️🙏
One of the things I miss most is the call to prayer. At first it was odd to us but I learned to love it and often listen on You Tube. It now gives me goosebumps :).
I understand!
Brings joyful tears to my eyes to know the LeMay family is gathering:) Wishing you a miraculous holiday season and sharing another poem by my friend Lynn Ungar:
What the Angel Didn’t Say
I notice that when
the angel spoke to Mary
she got news that God
was pleased with her,
and that she would bear a son
destined for greatness,
but no mention was made
of torture and early death
and the way her heart
would break completely and
irrevocably. The angel told her
not to be afraid, but didn’t mention
the need to take the baby
and run from Herod or even
giving birth in a stable.
If the heavenly being hinted
at a future seated at the right hand
of God, it never acknowledged
how different that feels than
having him seated at the
family table for supper
and the ache of an empty chair.
Maybe she knew and said yes anyway.
Maybe the big ask
is to open the door to suffering
which is the door marked LOVE.
-Lynn Ungar 12/16/21
Beautiful and timely, Laura. Thank you for sharing. Much love and a very merry Christmas back to you!
This post, along with all the beautiful comments, is a transcendent experience. The Shechinah speaks through you Jackie.
What a beautiful thing to say, Brett. Thank you dear friend!
I love this, I so appreciate your journey. Before I could see/know G-d, I needed to become spiritual Spiritual to me means being able to be present in the moment. Not stuck in the past, or worried about the future. I had to stop thinking about myself and start looking outward to others, and I had to learn to respond and not react. Tools like prayer, meditation, exercise help me maintain my spiritual condition. Journaling and daily reflection times also help. Once your instinctive brain can’t hijack your present, it is hard to imagine a world without G-d. Sometimes the only way to get back to the present, is to turn your fear and ego over to your higher power. They can handle it, we don’t have to. Stay present and thank you for focusing on others by sharing your story.
Thanks so much for sharing and your encouragement, Joe.
You are such a beautiful and bright light! Sending you a prayer right after I hit this send button.
Thank you! What a beautiful thing to say and do.
Dear Jackie,
Love and prayers coming your way from Chicago!
What tremendous energy there is shining through you in this season of your healing.
How wonderful to read of your companions in prayer.. I recognize such powerful healers among them, and am comforted to know that you are regularly encountering Divine Love in your practice..
I am writing simply to share that as I have been praying for you this early morning,the prayer that has arisen in me is these words of Jesus’, “…that my joy may be in you, and your joy may be complete”
Holding you in that light and praying with you.
Much love to you
Lisa
Wonderful to hear from you, Lisa. Thank you so much. Love, Jackie
My dearest Jackie, it was so great to see Sophie at church on Christmas Eve, the day before she left for Turkey with Grant. I just wanted to reach right through her to embrace you with the love that pours out from all your friends at St. Paul’s.
The “miracle” may just be the profound enlightenment that you have been gaining through this experience. I often want to share your posts with those who may not know you or your story. Your strong faith and scientific logic help break down barriers that may help people reconcile their doubts when it comes to faith.
Keep writing, fighting, loving and living with joy, gratitude and faith.
Enjoy the holidays with your wonderful family.
Love you to Istanbul and back!
Thank you dear friend!! Much love back to you!