Galata Tower Steps
Living in the present can be a challenge. We replay the past, fantasizing about what we’d tell our younger selves to make life easier. We imagine enjoying the future if we do everything “right” and catch some breaks…or we imagine adjusting to a different future, again, if we don’t. Is this all bad? I don’t think so. We do well to learn from history and change behaviors so we don’t repeat mistakes but hang onto the good stuff. We do well to dream and do what we can to live into those dreams. Culturally, we’re rewarded for having and achieving goals and all the busyness that entails. But sometimes, life is passing us by while we do all that.
Add a chronic illness with debilitating symptoms to the picture and the urge to escape the present becomes an even bigger challenge. How could we have avoided this suffering? If only we didn’t eat this, do that, allow so much stress… How much more will there be? Maybe someday we…can plan a vacation like we see others enjoying on social media, will have hair again, can go for months (dare we hope, years?) without treatments… How can we get out of this cycle?
Given the impacts of the illness on our everyday life, our dreamtime is sometimes better than our awake time. We go anywhere, see everyone (including ancestors who have passed), and eat anything. Oh, the feasts I’ve had in my dreams lately. Tuscan food features prominently, especially pasta. Celebrity chefs sometimes preside. My body is whole. My head is covered with long, curly hair that requires washing (such high maintenance)! I move as freely and easily as I did a few years ago before cancer was a reality in our lives. I’ve heard this from other friends too. In our dreams, we are whole. I guess a couple of years of being “sick” cannot overwhelm decades of identifying otherwise.
So, it can be a challenge to accept the present, much less live in it. We have to remember to be grateful for progress. Not being in pain is huge. Knowing the cancer is backing down is also encouraging. Being able to cook, eat, and digest food is better than not, even if pasta isn’t on the menu these days. Getting a little stronger every day and walking farther – even uphill – is possible. Still, somehow, it’s hard to accept these are big wins when I was “so healthy” just a few years ago. Measuring progress vs “I should be dead by now” feels like cheating somehow, even if it’s the truth. It’s remarkable what cancer and its treatments will do to a human body in a short period of time.
Everything physical takes more effort than it used to. There is a tendency to focus on current symptoms, wishing them away. I nap like a champion because I’m tired. I take breaks when I’m cooking because I need to. I still remember moving more easily in my own body. I still identify as that person. So, part of the challenge of the present is not being disappointed with how I move, how I feel, and what my body can and cannot do these days. I’ve had to learn to live in a new lane and let the old one go.
Spiritually, cancer is not breaking me but making me stronger…so far. Life beyond the physical is easier in some ways. Mentally, words flow ever more easily. Work is especially rewarding, as is the idea that I might leave good things behind. Emotionally, I’m more comfortable with quiet. My dreams are vivid and internal life, rich. When I’m out and about, I’m both proud and fascinated – like when I was kid – seeing things anew. Spring has sprung in Istanbul. Here are some views from on top of and around the Galata Tower.
Looking across the Golden Horn to the old city, including Topkapi Palace, the Hagia Sophia, and the Blue Mosque
Looking across the Bosporus to Asia
Galata Tower
A fragment of the chain that used to span the Golden Horn, causing Sultan Mehmet the Conqueror to drive Ottoman warships over land (for all you who watched Rise of Empires: the Ottomans on Netflix and wondered why they couldn’t just cut the chain…)
The elevator at the Pera Palace (for all you fans of Midnight at the Pera Palace!)
When I talk to our kids, I thoroughly appreciate every detail of their lives and how they are moving through them. My husband and I communicate easily, with or without words. Maybe this is what happens when busyness gives way to a kind of forced quiet. Everything important is in graphic relief like one of those pop-up books we read as children.
Living in the present is also forced on those of us with chronic illnesses, in many ways. So much is unknown about cancer (and so many other illnesses) that there is only so much utility in rehashing what we did/didn’t do. I’ve done as much of that as is useful, to some good ends (see any blog post over the last 2 years). For the rest, I look forward to answers flowing in after my consciousness transitions off this earthly plane (hopefully many years from now). That’s my version of heaven. All of our questions get answered…the internet is great, but there are so many answers Google will never provide. Similarly, there is only so much planning for the future we can do because…there is so much unknown about cancer. What we know and can do, we are. Beyond that, there are hopes, prayers, dreams, and then just resting in some faith that we do the best we can. Of course, we have plan Bs and Cs just in case, knowing that the only thing we can control is our reaction to what happens.
So, we have some special perspectives on the persistent but difficult advice to “live in the present.” It’s an extra challenge, but also a necessity for those of us with chronic illness. Doing otherwise is unwise, unhealthy, not empathetic to ourselves, and kind of impossible. Our bodies keep pulling us into the present. I was still learning to accept the present of the present before I got sick. Having kids helped a lot, especially when they were younger and demanded more attention. That time too, was a mixture of acceptance and frustration – enjoying the moment with them and imagining a life with more time and freedom. Little did I know the experiences and lessons on accepting the present awaiting me as our kids got older…and I got sick. Living with a chronic illness is like a masterclass in being present.
Maybe if I get it right this time, my soul can take a rest and just enjoy the present, with a dash of learning from the past and dreaming about the future. Just enough, but not too much. Like salt and pepper in one of those dishes in my dreams.
Maybe my lessons about living in the present will finally be done, and I can live with the gift beyond the struggle. Maybe you can learn the same lessons without getting sick.
I hope so.
Shared photo credits: John LeMay (yes, he’s back :-))
Love you and your impactful words my beautiful cousin!!!
Thanks Steve
You are such a wonderful source of nourishment for the soul. Each post from you has something – a little, a lot – that will resonate with all who read in a way unique to the reader. Thank you for spending time sharing these gifts, Sending lots of love and hugs to all of you.
Thanks so much, Kevin
You have always been a wonderful advise giver. I am so glad to have you part of my tribe ❤️!
Thank you, Kristina
jackie,
I enjoy each post that you write and appreciate your thoughts and your sharing.
to be present ….so important.
Thank you for your words and wisdom.
Jo
I was just thinking about you today, Jo. Hope you are well xo
Great food for thought. Thank you for sharing! You and your family are always in my prayers!❤️🙏🏻
Thanks so much, Jenny. ❤️🙏
JackieJackie Jackie! What a meditation. Thank you for your words- oh wow.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️-Jane and Brian
Love and miss you both! You’ve been on my mind
Xoxoxo
Thank you for sharing these incredible thoughts. Your strength is beyond comprehension and your willingness to share your perspective is so appreciated. Keep dreaming about your beautiful curls and healthy body. Sending so much love ❤️
Thank you, Hallie. Much love back to you 😘
Love to you today in this moment and always. Two more weeks!
Can’t wait! Xoxo
Wow, what a writer you are! Such beautiful, thought-provoking words💕 Keep enjoying those wonderful dreams 😴
💗💗💗
Thank you, Patty. I will!
Thank you, darling Jackie. Holding all this truth in the same moment and in the same being….you so masterfully describe the essence of being human.
Yes it is
Xo
Thanks Jackie for giving us such powerful and personal reflections that truly make us (ME !) look at each day as such a gift. Why is it that we humans allow ourselves to be pulled in so many directions that the “today” is often blurred? I resonate almost daily with St. Augustine of Hippo who wrote that famous phrase while he was struggling to find his peace: “our souls are restless Lord, until they rest in you.” My love to John and the kids, Jackie and you are loved and carried in prayer daily!
Thank you, Father Brian. Love you
Great reminder. Needed that after a long week of frustration. Frustration that pales in comparison to many others on the planet. Always look forward to your posts. I use social media very little but the few blogs and podcasts I frequent like yours are uplifting. Are you familiar with Maria Popova, brain pickings.org? More great insights from another gem of a human.
Thanks, Michael. Always wonderful to hear from you. I don’t know Maria…will check her out. Here’s to less frustrating times ahead for all of us!
Thank you for giving us the gift of your writing and reminding us of these powerful lessons. You are beyond beautiful and inspiring, and I haven’t even met you! I know of you through my husband TV Kumaresh who worked in McKinsey.
Wonderful to hear from you, Gayatri. Thank you so much and please say hi to TV. I remember him fondly.
Here in Garrison, NY we have remnants of the giant chains near West Point that stretched across the Hudson River during the Revolutionary War to keep the British from sailing North. I remember seeing the chain in Istanbul and being fascinated by the similarities. I am hoping you are still living in the moment as much as possible, and enjoying the incredible history in Istanbul. Xxoo
Definitely
Thanks for sharing, Sam
Xoxo
Thank you, dear Jackie, for sharing your gift of the written word.
This post was so powerful.
Sending hugs and love your way.
Pat
🙏❤️
Thank you so much, Pat. Much love back to you
Thanks for this beautiful reminder Jackie!
Deborah 🙏
Once again, so beautifully written and profound. YOU, my friend are a gift and we are such unworthy beneficiaries of your incredible wisdom. Please keep writing and reflecting. There is much for us to learn. Stronger every day. Lifting you up in prayer!
Thank you so much, Cheryl. Your encouragement and prayer are deeply appreciated ❤️
Thank you for this present gift of insight you share.
🙏
Hi Jackie,
Thanks for the masterclass you are offering us on living. I am learning from you. This reflection on being present is beautifully written and is so relevant for me as I work through the business of the day.
I’m so glad you find it helpful, Rick. Thank you for reading and letting me know.
“In our dreams, we are whole. I guess a couple of years of being “sick” cannot overwhelm decades of identifying otherwise.” This is going to sit with me in my meditations.
❤️❤️❤️🙏🙏🙏
Thank you for this powerful reminder, my dear friend. Love to you and your beautiful family.
Much love back to you, Jodie
As always, I get chills reading your profound words. I don’t know how you do it Jackie – you just seem to always nail it right on the head. Sending so many prayers and much love your way. I don’t know how I got so lucky to meet you!
The feeling is mutual, Amy. I’m so glad to have you in my life as well
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