Majestic Night Sky with a Full “Wolf” Moon over Istanbul (or anywhere you are!), January 17, 2022
I have always been a big believer in science. All the way to a Ph.D. in chemistry at MIT. That’s commitment. My career has also included lots of technology-related work and tech-based economic development. I believe in progress through carefully chosen science.
But my body has been something of a failed experiment in the last decade, and that’s hard to swallow. In this way, despite all of my education, I can relate to why people are so fatigued with the state of the world in a pandemic, many distrustful of the scientific advice they are getting.
Experiment #1: Better Living Through Chemistry
The promise to my generation was that science and technology would save us…time, effort, aging, pain, our earth home, etc. The results haven’t been so great. I’ve since learned – with lots of data – that my body couldn’t clear all of those time/age/effort-saving chemicals, leading to increased food sensitivities, illness, and ultimately cancer. Mother Nature reminds us with ever-increasing frequency (fires, tsunamis, earthquakes, glyphosate and other toxic waste wreaking havoc in our water and food system, etc) that we’re failing to keep up with our mortgage on the Earth and in our own bodies.
Experiment #2: Healing the Body through Functional/Natural Medicine
After I woke up (~40 years old), largely thanks to our daughter’s health issues, we cleaned up our act at home. I worked with experts and tried most of the diets you all might believe in. Certainly always clean. Gluten-free. Dairy-free. Sugar-free. Sometimes (2 years) vegan. Often (many years) grain-free/lectin-free. Celery juice. Smoothies. Believe it or not, with careful planning and a lot of effort, there is still plenty to eat and a way to balance meals. Saunas. Yoga teacher certification. Meditation. Exercise. Better sleep. We did heal Sophie’s hemiplegic migraines. Yay! We did ultimately learn about our sensitivity to molds and heavy metals, and how to safely clear them. Yay! I did feel better for a while. Then, I didn’t. Then I got one of the more difficult cancers to heal, all while I was doing “everything you can do” to avoid the health issues that tend to come with aging, regardless of my genes. Maybe it was too late in my life to reverse that course. Maybe my body is especially sensitive. It worked for Sophie (and lots of other people), and I’d make that tradeoff over and over. Heal my daughter, leave me with the work.
Experiment #3: Treating Ovarian Cancer with Traditional Medicine
February 2020 to May 2021. Surgery. Chemo. It works sometimes. 20% to be exact. I’m not particularly lucky in this case. I relied on science and a Rockstar nutritionist to fare well through that whole onslaught, continuing to eat, run, do yoga, parent, work, and have a life. But when I finished chemo with my cancer marker out of range, I was told to go into palliative care. That wasn’t my fault. The chemo was ineffective against my cancer, as it is the majority of the time. Why do they use it? It’s the “gold standard” despite 30 years of bad results. I believed it would work because my oncologist was encouraged about “how well I was doing.” I believed it would be a blip before I could begin healing again. This lab mouse’s hopes were again dashed, but knowing all I did, I leaned back into my faith in…
Experiment #4: Naturopathic Medicine/Metabolic Approach to Cancer
May to October 2021. The marker went down with mistletoe, ketogenic diet, hyperthermia, hyperbaric oxygen, targeted foods, and supplements…until it went up. A lot. Fast. No matter how hard or fast I worked. It turns out that unless those cancer stem cells are squashed with chemo, it’s hard to fight the tidal wave of high-grade serous ovarian carcinoma naturally, at least in my body. And I haven’t met anyone else who’s managed that particular trick (a triple lutz with a half twist and 5 backflips) either.
“Failure is success in progress.” Albert Einstein
So, here I am in Istanbul, taking on Experiment #5. Let’s call this, “Hit it with All We’ve Got.” Everything above worked, some. Just not enough. So now, here I am upgrading and combining all of it (chemo that’s been tested in vitro against my cells, whole body and local hyperthermia, HBOT, nutritional infusions, keto, metabolic approach, and more) with hopes that the combo will be powerful enough to get after the stem cells and finally put me in a stable place. That I’ll still be able to look back on these 2.5 years as a (long) blip in an otherwise reasonably long life of logical, intuitive approaches to health and healing. I have good, scientific reasons to believe again: the current chemo protocol has been tested and found effective against my cells, all of those methods worked somewhat just not enough alone – hopefully, the combo is at least additive, if not multiplicative. Full-body hyperthermia alone is a regular 2.5-hour sauna which I suspect keeps the mold (which featured prominently in dysregulating my immune system prior to cancer and after front line treatment) at bay/cleared, as do the antioxidant and vitamin C infusions and HBOT. This integrative approach should leave me less vulnerable than I was after traditional (and ineffective, as it turned out) chemotherapy. Finally, they’ve healed people here with even later stage and more difficult cancers than I have, including ovarian.
But can I admit that it’s hard sometimes to keep the faith in medical science? That’s a lot of disappointment, right? The truth is that science is always an ongoing experiment. I’m a scientist at heart and an entrepreneur, so the unknown doesn’t usually bother me. But it’s a different experience when you are the lab mouse. And when you’ve watched other healthy, positive, well-supported people “doing cancer just right” succumb to it. No need to cheerlead; I find simply listening to be the biggest help when I occasionally, understandably feel discouraged. Also, mindset is a great tool, but so is discernment and deep, honest, two-way conversation with (hopefully entrepreneurial and smart) doctors about how the experiment is going. Because science IS experimental. No one has all the answers. If someone is doing well, it’s a combo of luck (chemo worked, yay!) and effort. These stories – hopefully including mine someday – can inspire, but the science around many kinds of cancer is still pretty raw and nascent, even after decades of investment. I say all of this from a well-educated, inside-out view.
So, I’m not going to tell you to drink juice, make smoothies, avoid fruit, eat berries, take chemo or not take chemo, “stay positive,” or any of the other formulae that are out there. The pieces and parts may or may not help you heal or avoid cancer. It’s best to find out what works for your individual health challenges at any given time. Certainly eating clean, avoiding toxins, getting good sleep, managing stress/mental health, discerning and receiving effective treatments, and getting smart bio-individualized approaches and nutritional support whether you are trying to stay healthy or bear the onslaught of treatments…all of that is good. Most of which, your grandmother could have told you.
So what’s the lesson from my story, really? I think it’s this…
Be the first author in your story. Be the head scientist. I’ve been the first author on scientific papers, so I know what that feels like. It was natural to approach cancer this way. That’s the one thing I can tell you that I know will always be true. It’s not a fad or marketing gimmick. Part of how you know this is true is it’s not about me. It’s about you. Especially for cancers with bad outcomes, the results show the researchers and doctors do NOT have everything, or even much, figured out. Be in that conversation. Get information from multiple sources and angles and then do what makes you feel good. Listen to your body – the real expert, from whom we were often disconnected during the “better living through science” phase. Be ready to pivot. Forgive people who don’t have all the answers, because that’s just where we are. Science is ALWAYS an experiment. That anyone ever presents it as done, known, finished…is great for marketing programs and personal brands, but it has done a tremendous disservice to both science and all of us, especially the people who didn’t make it. Because when those methods don’t work, it causes us to lose faith in science and scientists, or blame ourselves for not trying hard enough. Conversation stops. Priorities get decided by a few, with only a few in mind, whether it’s global warming or individual cancer treatment. The power in the experiment is including all voices, especially the intuitive and divine ones like our bodies, other sentient beings, and the natural world.
I still have faith in science, but I’m a realistic optimist about what we know and don’t know. At this point, I’ve done soooooo many of the experiments from every side of the lab bench. I know the outcomes and limitations. What occurs to me is not that science is bad or flawed but that living systems are miracles we will never fully understand. In many ways, my faith in higher powers than humans has always risen in parallel with my scientific education. The more I’ve looked into the night sky or at molecules through x-ray crystallography, the more I’ve realized that this astonishingly beautiful world is not something we could create or recreate. The symmetry. The thoughtful design. It’s something we can only ever approximately understand. It’s awe-inspiring.
X-ray Crystal Structure of a Tantalum Calixarene Compound with a Small Molecule Nestled Inside (Acho, 1994)
I’m still very much in this cancer healing experiment. I’m most definitely the first author…with a litany of partners, starting with my husband…in the story of my health. Results TBD. What I know for sure is this…
I’m still here, and I haven’t lost faith.
Photo credits: John LeMay and Grant LeMay
Jackie, thank you for sharing from your heart and your head. You are continuing to make a difference! YOU are in our prayers!
Thanks so much, Lamar!
Your beautiful post popped up as I’m sitting here reading “Teresa of Ávila The Book of My Life” translated by Mirabai Starr. “A woman intoxicated with God yet filled with an overflowing love for the world.”
You, Jackie, have a lot in common with this saint.
She has always been one of my favorite saints. That’s a high complement. Humble thanks. Namaste my friend ❤️
Love and positive thoughts sent your way … everyday.
Thank you, Jackie! And back to you
Howling at the moon in the heights for science to win more battles against cancer and help you on your journey to heal and get better. We love you Jackie (& John Andre) and thank you for such wonderful insight into the details of the struggle… the mind is so strong and you can set yourself right up on your favorite beach with your favorite people at your side. Soak up the love and good luck on what tomorrow brings. Hang in there my beautiful friend. XXX/OOO
Love all the imagery here, Dan! We are toasting on that beach, and it sure is great to watch the waves with you. Much love back to you Xoxoxoxo (and yes, isn’t John’s middle name great?! His mom and dad used all A’s for the boys and got a little creative and French with #3)
Dear Jackie- I was ogling that moon earlier this week! Yes, life itself is an experiment. So grateful for your immense curiosity and generosity and in sharing your journey. We are thinking of you on the other side of the world and keeping the faith. The universe is unfolding exactly as it is meant to in all its mystery and wonder.
Love,
Laura
So well said. Thank you, Laura. When I saw the moon, part of what I thought and said to John was, this is the same moon everyone is seeing….I love that. Xo
When you and I go back to Ann Arbor, I think we need to sit in on some of the STEM classes we took back then. Let’s sit in the back, and then surprise everyone by loudly answering the Professor’s questions (we can Google the answers if needed!). It would be fun to go back to where all this love of STEM began.
I loved the X-ray Crystal Structure photo from 1994 too!
What else is on our Ann Arbor list? The Arb, Peaceable Kingdom, Nichols Arcade, Zingermans (obviously), law library, Osterweil!!, … ?
…the Indian restaurant you introduced me to! Could it still be there? I remember a falafel stand near there too. The cube. The Diag. The bookstore – wasn’t one of the first Borders there? I have so many food memories but too many constraints….I wonder if Steve’s or the equivalent now has keto ice cream????? Keto pizza crust at Cottage Inn? Keto croissant at Jacques Pattiserie and keto tuna melt at Drakes??? It’s all possible. We should encourage whoever is working in your spot in the Union and see a Commedy Company show (where I got my comedic start ;-). Osterweil, against all odds, is still standing. We saw it when we took a college trip with the kids a few years ago. Looking forward to all of it.
Grant took that X-ray structure pic out of my thesis. It was hard to pick a favorite baby 😉
Let’s book a trip! We forgot a trip to the MDen where we can buy a ridiculous amount of Michigan gear, and yes of course we will pay an honorary visit to the basement of the Union to see whoever is slinging pizza slices where Parcheezie’s Pizza used to be. Between Zingerman’s and the Farmer’s Market we should be able to improvise a keto-friendly nostalgia menu! Xox
Looking forward to it!
I always look forward to your messages that you express so well. I might steal a few of your lines one day! Stay strong, Jackie – I’m praying for you!
BTW-My French major daughter worked at Jacques Patisserie and now has a food blog on Instagram and mentions her memories and recipes of the food there every so often!
Thank you, Mary! Please use whatever lines fit!! What’s your daughter’s insta name? I’d love to follow. Neat connection. My mom introduced me to Jacques. She graduated with her master’s just before I arrived on campus. I loved the broccoli cream cheese, spinach and feta, and then of course the sweet croissant. Would need a keto version now! Back then I was unconstrained 🙂
None of us will lose faith in you either Jackie!
Great to hear from you, Steve! Thank you
You are so strong and so thoughtful. Be in that space, where mortal touches Divine, and draw energy. Prayers coming your way. E
Thanks so much, Elaine
We are fighting forces greater than any natural enemy. We are fighting greed. I love the statement about defaulting on our mortgage to the earth. It’s so true. Love to you
We see eye to eye on so much, Brandt. Yes. 👊 love back to you
Jackie I’m so glad you’re giving us all a way to stay connected and close to you. You’ve taught me a lot.
I’m so grateful for your company, Lauren. Thank you
Dear Jackie – I hear you fully. Thank you for this.
Was just thinking about you, Brett. You are one of the best listeners I know. Such an art and skill. Thank you!
You are an inspiration Jackie, you are a rockstar and an inspiration and have been making me take a look at my own lifestyle and health..my thoughts are with you and I am the cheerleader in the background for sure.
Thank you, Karen!
Jackie, I loved my travels to Istanbul and recall feeling it was a magical place in many ways. I hope the magic will work for you. I feel privileged to be following your journey. May this new year bring you much health and healing. My best to you and to John.
Wonderful to hear from you, Nan. Thanks so much!
Jackie, your words are a gift to all of us. Thank you for sharing your journey.
❤️🙏😘